movie review wednesdays:
so i saw the facebook movie.  and just to spoil the end for you all it concludes with Mark Zuckerburg sitting alone and friendless in front of his computer, continually hitting the refresh button in hopes that his ex-girlfriend, who dumped him at the beginning of the movie, will respond to his friend request. from this i got:  i hate facebook, billionaires are losers just like the rest of us, and 'i can't stop to piss in the theatre because i got to get home fast and see if anyone has messaged me on facebook'.
there's few things more frustrating than when you go to some chicks facebook page that you had planed to start stalking, and get the message that they only share information with their friends. what good is this?

recipe of the day:
some people might not believe i eat some of these meals, so here's step by step proof:

sometimes you can't substitute no-name products (like cereal or cookies - 'cause you'll just get a bag pull of crumbs).  but canned meat is usually a safe bet.  i mean the can will invariably be dented so it's a pain in the ass to open (on no name ketchup the safety seal will have extra glue so it doesn't peel off right, same on the cheese slice wrappers so you will always rip the slice), but otherwise, step 1 complete.

step 2:

canned veggies are hit and miss, notice the overwhelming amount of carrot bits, but for 79 cents!

not step 3:

jesus that looks good.  but you should all know by now what's missing...

step 3:

...and you would have been right if you'd said ketchup.  only i had almost no ketchup left and what i did have needed to be saved for late-nite drunken ketchup sandwich.   that's alright, mayo can be used in a pinch.  mash ingredients together and, like Alexander said to some lackey concerning Bucephalus after the battle of Hydaspes (before he realized the grim truth):  "someone feed this fucking horse!"

words of the day (and blog shout-out):
".... luck has never been something that has been good to me. I could fall in a bucket of nipples and come out sucking my thumb, ok...."
- http://randomthoughtsofafatguy.blogspot.com/

so i was bored and thought to myself i would give e-harmony a try.  it only took about 1/2 an hour. and i honestly tempered some of my responses (as i'm sure everyone does) so as to appear somewhat normal to potential matches.  20 million registered users, and here is the response i got:

We're very sorry, but our matching system cannot predict good matches for you.



eHarmony's patented matching system was developed after extensive research into marital satisfaction. We use each person's responses to our Relationship Questionnaire to predict the pairings of individuals that are highly likely to result in satisfying long-term relationships, based on what we learned through our research.
Unfortunately, based on responses to our questionnaire, we occasionally find situations where our matching system cannot identify high quality compatible matches, and this has happened in your case. Please understand that it is a result of our matching process and in no way reflects on you as a person or your ability to be in a happy relationship.
We apologize and regret our inability to find good matches for you. The time you spent completing our questionnaire, however, has enabled us to provide you with a free Personality Profile.. This Personality Profile lets you learn more about yourself and should provide you with valuable insights.

well, at least they didn't write "FUCK YOU LOSER" at the end.

football has started and i was right about the drinking and gambling.  i'm no longer depressed, just pissed off and hungover.

so two weeks ago i rejoined my old gym because i remember there used to be lots of hot bitches there.  i went to work out one night (two weeks less a day ago) and you know what - no hot bitches.  christ, and i locked myself into a year membership - so i got to keep going.

people keep telling me to try internet dating.  the problem is as soon as a woman reads stuff like "i'm really into comic books and anime" she's gonna click next before the fucking page is done loading.  i can't leave that stuff out though, 'cause if she's not into comic books and anime it's gonna be a short relationship anyway (it won't last much longer than the time it takes her to walk into my apartment and see my GREEN LANTERN collection). 
anyway, friend of mine tried e-harmony, said he spent an hour filling out a questioner to determine his 47 levels of compatability and then he never heard from them again.  no shit, from my experience finding someone you have one or two things in common with is probably too much to ask for - let alone 47.
although (segue) i do cook....

recipe of the day:

need i say anything about this?

i'm cancelling shit kicking mondays this week - i'm feeling kinda holy tonight.

words of the day:
you know what, i'm cancelling this today too, haven't heard nothing funny or profound for an entire week.

wait a sec, just found this on wikipedia:  "Muumuu are also popular as maternity gowns and with obese people because they do not restrict the waist"
the word POPULAR is what makes that soo funny.

This is the obligatory "my excuse for not posting in awhile" post.  All blogs have 'em.

I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long (as if you care) but I've been depressed for four and a half months and couldn't muster up the gumption to write.  Oh, there was one day in July when i "accidently" clicked on a link to some japanese anime scat-porn.  Ain't nothing lightens the mood like seeing a cartoon chick covered in her own fecal matter.  I laughed for hours at that.

Why fuck around...

Recipe of the day:

New from minute rice, pre-cooked personal sized, pre-seasoned rice bowls.  ready to eat in 55 seconds.  pop one of these babies in the ol' microwave.  upon removal add two raw eggs.  soak (and i mean soak) in soya sauce and enjoy with...what a surprise, beer.  It's kind of japanese, so it's perfect for watching the aforementioned entertainment.  If you are one sick fuck.

Shit kicking Mondays (Thursday edition):

1.  I was walking home from the bank and a car pulled up at the stop light.  Inside were 4 shirtless dudes (okay, i think one was wearing a skin tight TAPOUT shirt, you know the type).  They were white guys so of course they were listening to that slow wimpy generic hip-hop shit that the p-diddy's keep churning out these days, extra loud.  Anyway, one of them flexed his bicep at me (not in a gay way, but as if to say i'd better watch my step).  I would like to kick the shit out of them.

2.  Mike Shanahan.  He's got a real serious hate face.

Well, that's it for today.  Thank the good lord that football is starting soon.  Maybe some serious gambling and drinking can bring me out of this funk.

Words of the day:
"...an' i look down in the toilet bowl and there's all these bones an' shit floatin' around.  human bones. n' that's when i get it, like, BAM -- wasn't just weirdass dreams i been havin'...shit was real.  I was a fuckin' werewolf."

"so, what happened with the chick?"

"[what the] fuck you think happened?  i fuckin ate her..."

- brubaker "sleeper"

"You know, in many ways this fiasco reminds me of the last fiasco."

They say there's over six billion people in the world, but I'm pretty sure it's more like four or five thousand. I mean out of six billion people Merryl Streep gets nominated for an Oscar every single year? Not likely.

What would you do if you were sitting in your backyard one day just looking up at the sky, and all of sudden the Death Star popped into orbit? It's the DEATH STAR, you know it's there for only one reason, and that's to blow your ass up (it didn't really do anything else). No point in trying to run away, you'd just have sit there and watch it go down.

recipe of the day -
about two years ago, some kind of government conspiracy removed the double stuff fudgee-o from the shelves of all the super-markets i frequent. it was a rough blow, but like the marines i did adapt and overcome by way of no-name subsititutes that ship prebroken in their packaging. Last week however, i walked into the grocery store to see not one shelf, but a whole display of double stuff fudgee-os (on sale no less). i was overjoyed, and of course being overjoyed always calls for a trip to the liquor store to buy a bottle of wine - which brings about our recipe for today. this recipe is especially good, because all you really need is a cork screw and a wine glass and the new planet hulk cartoon dvd.
1. open the wine
2. pour out a nice big glass
3. grab a good eight (one full row, don't try and kid yourself that you'll only eat four - you'll just have to get up and get more in about five minutes) double stuff fudgee-os!
4. remove your pants
5. slap in the movie and watch hulk smash the shit out of some aliens while enjoying your drunken feast. hail dionysus!

picture of the day -
i caught the legendary dark knight in a tussle with a giant rotten mushroom.  the mushroom gave him a good go, but batman came through in the end:

I've decided to give up on my long time dream of learning to play the fiddle.
At least I didn't buy one this time, unlike that fucking yamaha keyboard i bought a few years ago -there's $400 i could use for booze right about now.

bullet points-

*(there's no bullet on this keyboard, something I've never really missed until now)

*reading over my blog two posts back, i'm glad i don't work for an nfl team.

*susan boyle isn't famous because she can sing good, she's famous because she can sing good whilst being dog-ugly.

*how come half the time big tits are awesome, and half the time they are disgusting.

*the raptors are even worse than last year.

*avatar is going to be the absolute shit, can't wait.

*does unleashing hell count when it's against the raiders and browns?

*have you noticed i've used the shift key a few times in this blog?


i encountered the miserable woman in the laundry room the other day, when i walked in she gave me the spock eyebrow, as if to say 'like you're worth my time'. fuck you.
recipe of the day-
i fear this section is suffering due to my stomach ailment, for example today i only ate some almonds and snow peas, ain't nothing funny about that assholes. i have been eating a lot of tim horton's chocolate chip muffins lately though. sometimes they have normal size chocolate chips on top, and sometimes they have big honking chocolate chips on top. i wonder who decides - it's fucking mind boggling. i generally eat these for my friday after work treat, and then again for breakfast on saturdays.

i just realized there is a bullet list option in the blog editor, will keep this in mind for next time. i'll be getting a digital camera soon, stay tuned and you can go back and check out photographic evidence that some of the chefs' more exotic dishes do actually exist.

words of the day- 'look at all those nippers attack the free cake'*

*i actually heard someone say this today, for real. i mean, it didn't matter that everyone else was eating the free cake too (cept the chef - snow peas 'member). but they were mostly vietnamese. ah the factory worker mentality.

I think I am going to learn to play the fiddle.

life is nothing but excruciating pain and loneliness, also, i'd like to know what the deal is with sports team wearing retro uniforms. maybe if they did it once a decade or something, but they're doing it every other week [nfl/cfl - i'm looking at you in particular]. look, you don't wear those uniforms anymore 'cause the sucked - in most cases they were gay. that's right, i said 'gay', i'm taking the word back baby!

the chef knows a lot of things. but not everything. for example i don't know how it is possible for the people who live above me to find something that needs hammering every single day. i'm pretty sure they scramble their eggs with a hammer, as well as open their mail with a hammer. it's ridiculous. why can't they use plastic forks left over from taco bell cheese fries to do things like normal people.

recipe of the day -
my stomach is still a mess, and in lieu of quitting drinking i've been eating healthy instead. no more process cheese for me. i've been buying real cheese instead and i even bought a cheese grater. i've been grating mucho cheese and in so doing discovered a queer [yep, taking it back] phenomenon - that being that the grated product is disproportionately smaller than that piece of cheese you started with. i grated over half a block of cheese over one bag of corn chips the other day - that's like 4 dollars worth of cheese - i never would have been able to eat that much cheese if just gnawed at it like it was a snickers bar - so gay!
oh, the point being that there won't be any real recipe today so, er, why not try some turkish delight, it's like jujubes rolled in icing sugar, that sounds like a no lose combination.

in the spirit of taking it back, i'll add that the next time you see me walking around downtown holding a burning stick in my hand [a not uncommon occurrence] feel free to ask me what i'm doing with that faggot.

shit-kicking mondays-
1. the people with the hammer who live upstairs. how can i concentrate on bejewelled blitz for two to three hours straight with that constant distraction. fucking fuck wads.

2. zombies. i wouldn't really want to get that close to a zombie, but it would be fun to just stand back and pelt one with raw eggs until you saw a little zombie tear in the corner of his eye knowing he'd never catch you.

poetry thursdays-

my knee hurts
my back hurts
my stomach hurts
my head hurts
but at least i don't...
live in a yurt [that's a dirty little hut that the mongolians live in - suckers]


words of the day- 'stop buying into the publicity. i can't even feed myself.' from zombie-deadpool's head's internal monologue.


hilarious, the spell check has just informed me that fuckwads is actually two separate words - everyday, something new and so on.

things the chef is grateful for -

i'm grateful that after twenty years of buying lottery tickets on a regular basis, i've never won fuck all. if i won big cash, i would be a fat, bloated drunk livin in a house made out of cheese, there would be no two ways around that.

i'm grateful that the detroit lions finally changed their logo from a big blue blob that, no matter how far you taxed your imagination, looked nothing like a lion, to a big blue blob that, after taxing your imagination quite a bit, looks somewhat like a lion.

i'm grateful for ball point pens, cause it would be a pain in the ass carrying a jar of ink and a feather around with you all the time.

shit kicking mondays-

i'm actually running out of people/things i want to kick the shit out of - at least without getting personal and naming some names.

baby elephants - i don't know why it appeals to me to imagine kicking the shit out of big dumb animals that can't defend themselves. i'm a sad sick fucker i guess.

recipe of the day-

as stated before, i've been having some stomach problems and have decided to alter my diet and not eat so many processed foods [oh how i'll miss you, no-name cheese slice]. this led me to buy a bag of potatoes and some eggs when i went grocery shopping. i should have thought about that a little more, but on a hungover sunday afternoon, it seemed like potatoes and eggs would be all i'd need for the week. so monday night rolls around and i'm fuckin' hungry [i didn't eat all day [by which i mean i didn't buy any cookies out of the machine at work] cause i was going to the dentist in the afternoon and the dental asssitant is kinda of cute and i didn't want to go in there with cookie pulp stuck in my teeth]. i go to the fridge to see what there is, and have one of those 'oh shit, how am i gonna make a meal out of this mess' moments - that, my friends, is insipration enough.....for the chef

1 cut up four large potatoes into eights. did you peel them first? well you got more gumption than me brother - i didn't even wash 'em.
2 fill pot to random mark with water, put on the stove to boil, and throw taters in.
3 go to the other room to play some bejeweled blitz on facebook and completely forget about them for an hour.
4 realize you're still hungry and return to the kitchen. taters got to be cooked by now. drain and get out the potato masher. all of a sudden the chef realizes he can't just mash 'em, you got to add other shit. well all he has is no-name garlic butter, and three week old soya milk [i told you i was gonna start eating healthy] now, the soya milk was vanilla flavoured, but you gotta make do, right?
5 pour way too much soya milk on 'em, so they come out real slimy, mash....
6.......and serve**.

**after this effort i couldn't face cooking the eggs as well. i guess i could have thrown a couple into the potato mix, but i didn't. this tasted like absolute crap at first, but a true chef always keeps this one maxim in mind - ketchup is your savior. i mopped up the leftovers with the top of a hamburger bun [i'll save the bottom half for tomorrows meal - which looks like it's gonna be the same thing - 'cause four large potatoes is a lot of fucking potato]. the skins kind of peeled off and rolled themselves into little chewy lumps - which was kind of an added treat.

poetry thursdays

questions for a friday night

will i meet
some hot chick
with big tits
who likes me
or just some drunk jerk
who wants to fight me


words of the day- 'we ain't gonna have some cherokee medicine man in here are we? hoopin' and hollarin' and shakin his dick' - the green mile.