so i was at the grocery store today, and i thought i'd get some sushi for dinner. at first i thought i was out of luck because all the sushi had stickers on it that said 'contains no raw fish' and a picture of a fish with the circle and line through it. what the fuck, it's not sushi then cocksuckers. but anyway they did have one with shrimp. so i got it home and opened the container and there is no wasabi, they forgot the god damned wasabi. resisting the temptation to supplement it with taco bell hot sauce, i ate it regardless. then i scratched my scratch and win lottery ticket that i'd bought, and didn't win anything. i also had a litre can of beer, thinking nothing else could go wrong i opened it and it was skunky. da fug. i'm drinking it anyway.

yesterday i drank four pints of beer and a litre of wine. i'm not bragging but the result of this was that i was hungover today, and despite it being monday i didn't really feel like kicking the shit out of anyone. so i figured i'd just think of people/things that it would be fun to kick the shit out of, so that i might still bring you....

shit-kicking mondays -

1 tulips. some old biddy comes out to check her garden on a fine spring morning, and lo and behold, some jackass [the chef] has kicked the shit out of her tulips. good for a laugh.

2 ludwig von. i'd travel back in time, sneak up behind beethoven [cause he'd never hear me coming] and kick the shit out of him in allegrissimo.

3 someone from that african tribe that speaks in clicks. most people, on getting a shitkicking would be all 'why are doing this' and 'stop hurting me' but these dudes would just be like 'click click click'. and i'd be all 'what the fuck did you just say to me, speak english cocksucker' and then i'd kick 'em in the gut. come on, kicking the shit out of someone while they click at you - ha, fucking, ha.

4 an alien. like one of those little green aliens with the big eyes. he'd land his space ship and be all 'i come in peace' and i'd be all like 'click click click, go back to the punjab you martian fucker' and then it would be go time.

recipe of the day - i came across this recipe by accident, but it's a good one. i call it 'hot tuna' not because you heat up the tuna, but because i was drunk in the variety store one night, and i thought to myself 'i should steal something while i'm here' and there were cans of tuna within easy reach, so...yeah. when i got home i was out of ketchup, but i had some two year old hot dog relish in the back of the fridge. 1. open the can but leave the top on, press down hard on the tuna squashing all the water out into the sink. 2. leaving the tuna in the can completely cover the fish in relish [after removing the can top] . 3. as always, enjoy with beer.

words of the day - 'go back to the punjab you martian fucker'*

*i realize i just said this two paragraphs ago, but it's a good fucking line, what.