things the chef is grateful for -

i'm grateful that after twenty years of buying lottery tickets on a regular basis, i've never won fuck all. if i won big cash, i would be a fat, bloated drunk livin in a house made out of cheese, there would be no two ways around that.

i'm grateful that the detroit lions finally changed their logo from a big blue blob that, no matter how far you taxed your imagination, looked nothing like a lion, to a big blue blob that, after taxing your imagination quite a bit, looks somewhat like a lion.

i'm grateful for ball point pens, cause it would be a pain in the ass carrying a jar of ink and a feather around with you all the time.

shit kicking mondays-

i'm actually running out of people/things i want to kick the shit out of - at least without getting personal and naming some names.

baby elephants - i don't know why it appeals to me to imagine kicking the shit out of big dumb animals that can't defend themselves. i'm a sad sick fucker i guess.

recipe of the day-

as stated before, i've been having some stomach problems and have decided to alter my diet and not eat so many processed foods [oh how i'll miss you, no-name cheese slice]. this led me to buy a bag of potatoes and some eggs when i went grocery shopping. i should have thought about that a little more, but on a hungover sunday afternoon, it seemed like potatoes and eggs would be all i'd need for the week. so monday night rolls around and i'm fuckin' hungry [i didn't eat all day [by which i mean i didn't buy any cookies out of the machine at work] cause i was going to the dentist in the afternoon and the dental asssitant is kinda of cute and i didn't want to go in there with cookie pulp stuck in my teeth]. i go to the fridge to see what there is, and have one of those 'oh shit, how am i gonna make a meal out of this mess' moments - that, my friends, is insipration enough.....for the chef

1 cut up four large potatoes into eights. did you peel them first? well you got more gumption than me brother - i didn't even wash 'em.
2 fill pot to random mark with water, put on the stove to boil, and throw taters in.
3 go to the other room to play some bejeweled blitz on facebook and completely forget about them for an hour.
4 realize you're still hungry and return to the kitchen. taters got to be cooked by now. drain and get out the potato masher. all of a sudden the chef realizes he can't just mash 'em, you got to add other shit. well all he has is no-name garlic butter, and three week old soya milk [i told you i was gonna start eating healthy] now, the soya milk was vanilla flavoured, but you gotta make do, right?
5 pour way too much soya milk on 'em, so they come out real slimy, mash....
6.......and serve**.

**after this effort i couldn't face cooking the eggs as well. i guess i could have thrown a couple into the potato mix, but i didn't. this tasted like absolute crap at first, but a true chef always keeps this one maxim in mind - ketchup is your savior. i mopped up the leftovers with the top of a hamburger bun [i'll save the bottom half for tomorrows meal - which looks like it's gonna be the same thing - 'cause four large potatoes is a lot of fucking potato]. the skins kind of peeled off and rolled themselves into little chewy lumps - which was kind of an added treat.

poetry thursdays

questions for a friday night

will i meet
some hot chick
with big tits
who likes me
or just some drunk jerk
who wants to fight me


words of the day- 'we ain't gonna have some cherokee medicine man in here are we? hoopin' and hollarin' and shakin his dick' - the green mile.